New Zealand v England – as it happened | Rob Smyth (2024)

England have got the collective face on, and I suppose they will feel they threw this away. There is some truth in that, but the biggest factor was the outstanding batting of the captain Brendon McCullum (69 not out from 61 balls) and the injured Martin Guptill 27 not out from 27 balls). It was a fascinating match, which see-sawed constantly. See you on Wednesday for the second ODI. Night.

Stuart Broad's first ball to McCullum is short. How many times? It's not the smartest bowling, this, and McCullum launches a pull over midwicket for six. He has savaged the short ball in this innings. A deliberately sliced four from Guptill brings the scores level, and he hits the winning runs with seven balls to spare! That's an excellent victory for New Zealand.

Chris Woakes's first ball to McCullum is short. Can you guess what happens next? All the momentum is with New Zealand now. Guptill picks a slower ball and larrups it past point for four more, and he follows down with a scorchng straight hit to the boundary. Thirteen from the over, and that leaves New Zealand needing 13 from the last two overs.

Another twist in this fascinating game, with Finn's final over going for 14. The injured Guptill makes just enough room to drive over extra cover for four – and he uppercuts the next ball for six! That was a wonderful stroke.

Martin Guptill, who retired hurt early in the innings with a hamstring injury, is the new batsman.

This is a crucial catch from Steven Finn. Ellis took on the short ball from Broad, which flew off the top edge to fine leg. Finn charged in, crouched forward, and although the ball burst through his hands he just managed to jam it in his arms as he hit the turf.

McCullum pulls Finn high towards deep square leg, from where Trott charges in and just fails to reach the ball in time. It landed centimetres short and bounced up to hit Trott on the knee as he crouched down in an attempt to take the catch. A brilliant over from Finn – just three from it, and McCullum will be on strike at the start of the next over

McCullum works Broad for two to reach a thrilling half-century from 48 balls; then Ellis gloves a pull over Buttler for four runs. Eight from the over, which keeps New Zealand on course. If McCullum is there at the end, they will win this game.

"I broke my PB for hours spent dozing on the sofa last night / this morning, nodding off around 11pm and waking up at a massive 0335 in the morning," says Andrew Stroud. "Inexplicably I wasn’t watching or listening to the cricket at the time either. Can anyone beat this?"

New Zealand play it safe in Swann's last over, milking six low-risk singles. Beautifully played.

England continue to bowl short to McCullum, and McCullum continues to smash the ball to the fence. This time it's off Woakes, a scorching pull well in front of square, and he picks up four more later in the over by flicking a full toss through square leg.

"I must apologise for NZ for the music played tonight (the M*SH theme & then ZZ Top's 'Legs"'while Guptill was having on-field treatment? really?)," says Danielle Tolson. "I still think it's unfair that Guptill will have to bat, runner-less. Why is it so cut & dried now. Now, Nathan McC's on, 'he ain't heavy, he's my brother'. Urgh."

England needed that because Nathan McCullum was playing very well. New Zealand need 73 from 54 balls.

Nathan McCullum skips down the track to drag the new bowler Swann over mid-on for a big six – but now he's gone LBW. It was given out on the field and, although Nathan McCullum reviewed it straight away, the third umpire upheld the decision. It hit him in line and would have hit the stumps, but there was some doubt as to whether there was an inside edge. The ball hit pad and inside edge almost simultaneously, but there was no clear evidence that it was bat first and therefore the original decision stands. McCullum looks aggrieved, and you can understand why, but equally I think that was the correct decision in accordance with DRS procedure.

Brendon McCullum shapes to pull Finn and then aborts the shot, the first time he hasn't taken the short ball on in this innings. Nathan McCullum then makes to steer Finn behind point for four, a high-class stroke. New Zealand need 81 from the last 10 overs.

"Morning Smyth, morning everybody," says Josh Robinson. "Somehow I forgot to manage to stay awake through the night for this one. I almost forgot to get up, too, but if the prospect of OBO humiliation wasn't enough to drag me out of bed after a few too many drinks and a particularly unpleasant train journey back from London, that of a 75-mile bike ride through Cambridgeshire and north Essex certainly did the trick. With that in mind, I may just not be seeing this one through to its conclusion."

The first three balls of Anderson's over have just disappeared for 14. Brendon McCullum swivel-pulls gloriously for six, bottom-edges between Buttler's legs for four and then smashes another pull for four. Seventeen from the over in total.

"Just got round to breakfast," says John Starbuck. "Pikelets with apricot jam and coffee. What's yours?" Delirium and cravings.

New Zealand need 104 from 72 balls. In short, they need a Brendon McCullum special.

England continue to pick up wickets at important times. Franklin tries to pull a short ball from Finn and gloves it down the leg side to Buttler.

Emails please!

Anderson comes back on for Swann, who never bowls in the Powerplay. He bowls four consecutive dot balls to Franklin, which pushes the required rate above eight an over.

New Zealand have to take their batting Powerplay now. McCullum pulls the second ball from Finn round the corner, with the sliding Root doing well to save a couple of runs. McCullum nails the stroke later in the over, pulling a storming flat six.

The game has changed completely in the last 30 minutes. Two runs from Swann's over, which means New Zealand need 115 from 90 balls.

Superb fielding from Ian Bell and Chris Woakes gives England the big wicket of Kane Williamson. McCullum pushed Woakes towards mid-on, at which point Williamson set off. He was sent back and was fractionally short of his ground when Bell threw the ball in for Woakes to break the stumps. It was great work from Woakes because he was in front of the stumps, with his weight going the wrong way, but he managed to swing his hands round to break the stumps with Williamson not quite back in his crease. I don't think Williamson realised he was in quite so much trouble, as there was no dive and he seemed fairly relaxed before the third umpire's verdict appeared on the big screen.

Swann is back on, presumably an attempt to play on McCullum's ego and need to dominate. He gets away with a disgusting reverse sweep, somehow toe-ending it over the man at cover. And then Williamson is dropped! He savaged a rank short ball towards midwicket, and Anderson couldn't hang on as he moved to his right. It would have been a blinder. He had it in his grasp for a couple of seconds before it slipped out. Anderson is livid.

Williamson pulls Woakes for three, with Joe Root sliding round the boundary to save a run, and then edges one a fraction short of the keeper Buttler.

McCullum, attempting to turn Broad to leg, gets a leading edge that falls not far short of the bowler. A good over is ruined by a poor last delivery that McCullum flicks off the pads and through midwicket for four.

Brendon McCullum, the new batsman, misses an attempted hook at Woakes. The next few overs are so important. If England get McCullum early they will on top.

Chris Woakes strikes with the second ball of a new spell. Elliott threw everything at a wide, full delivery and thick-edged it straight to Morgan at backward point. England are back in the match.

Williamson skids back in his crease to force Broad through the covers for four. He plays that shot nicely, with a really high elbow. It's easy to see what all the fuss is about with this lad. Broad ends the over with a superb short ball that smashes into Elliott's grille.

Anderson's second spell hasn't been as good as the first, with a poor delivery to Williamson slipping away for four leg byes. He does find Elliott's edge later in the over, with the ball flying safely for a single. New Zealand are cruising at the moment.

Broad has switched ends to replace Swann, a good move at a time when England need a wicket. This has been a busy partnership between Williamson and Elliott, particularly in their running. There's not much in this game but you feel New Zealand have this chase under control at the moment.

"Your night caller was probably one of those dodgy types, with a tale about needing some cash for a taxi 'cos the car's broken down and the spouse/children have been suddenly taken ill," says John Starbuck. "Just their luck to try it out on a cricket obsessive – overseas cricket, the reality scam defender. Could you work cricket into a scam tale, though?"

Elliott drives Swann against the spin, up and over extra cover for four. That's a lovely stroke. It might be time to give Swann a break, as he's being played pretty easily.

Stuart Broad replaces Chris Woakes, an aggressive move from Alastair Cook at a time when a wicket, particularly that of Williamson, would put England slightly on top. There's a half shout for LBW against Williamson; he walked across his stumps a bit but it would have missed leg. Williamson steers a single to reach a classy half-century from 70 balls. This is his first ODI against England, and he looks like a proper player.

New Zealand have milked Swann pretty well thus far. Six singles from that over, and 29 runs from his five overs.

Woakes's figures: 5-0-18-1.

Almost another wicket for England. A gorgeous off break from Swann takes the inside edge of Elliott's bat and flies this far wide of leg stump for four. Elliott survives a biggish LBW shout two balls later; it turned too much and Hawkeye showed it would only have trimmed the bails, so the original decision would have stood even if England had reviewed it.

The new batsman is not Brendon McCullum, as expected, but Grant Elliott.

This is an important breakthrough, both for Chris Woakes and England. Taylor threw everything at a rare short ball from Woakes and top edged it high to fine leg, where Finn took a good catch.

Taylor drags a sweep past short fine leg for four off the bowling of Swann. New Zealand have accelerated very well in the last half an hour. They need 187 from 186 balls.

Three from Woakes's over. England need a wicket.

This is a high-class stroke from Taylor, a late cut for four off Swann that beats short third man. He is starting to look good.

"Good morning, Rob," says Sara Torvalds. "When do you hink NZ should get worried about the run rate? What with the women's World Cup I find I've lost any sense of what's a reasonable scoring rate... Or possibly I'm just tired, in which case you are obviously the right man to turn to for advice... (How's that breakdown coming along?)"

I reckon they are fine until the REDRUM goes above seven an over. Although of course it also depends how many wickets are down. They have some punishing hitters in this side, particularly these two and Brendon McCullum.

Taylor gets his first boundary from his 26th delivery with a flashing back cut off Woakes. England will want to keep him out of form for as long as possible, such is his potential destructiveness. At some stage in this series or the Test series he will punish England.

"My wife has asked me to correct my earlier statement about a relaxing few beers whilst watching cricket," says Alasdair. "This is a half truth at best. I am trying to have a beer and watch the cricket, however my three-year-old son has decided that he'd rather clamber all over me and request drinks of my beer (which he doesn't get). He'll be in bed in time for me to watch NZ flounder in its run chase."

Here's Graeme Swann, bowling in an ODI for the first time since August, and a good first over goes for a single. Apologies for the less than award-winning nature of this OBO, by the way; I'm completely shot. I'll shove my head under a tap during the upcoming drinks break.

"Re: Lord Selve's comment, surely a simple rule banning bowling having had a runner will suffice," says John Leavey. "A classic example of sports administrators not thinking things through. Surely there is a place for non-ex-players in these decision making bodies – more logical and devious minds used to long term thinking? Am open to offers"

It's time for Chris Woakes, who is a pretty good fourth seamer to have. He replaces Broad, who bowled a sharp spell of 3-0-10-0. The birds have started singing outside. It's a new day; when did that happen? It still feels like 3am. Woakes's first over yields a couple of singles. Taylor, still playing carefully, has five from 23 balls.

Finn beats Williamson with a wonderful lifter that holds its line just outside off stump, but the next ball is too straight and touched fine for four. It's hard to know who's on top here. Maybe New Zealand by a whisker.

A vigorous short ball from Broad is avoided by Taylor, who is taking as long as possible to play himself in against some challenging bowling. He has four from 18 balls.

"I'm pretty sure the clampdown on runners came in the aftermath of a South Africa game in which Dale Steyn batted with a runner, then took the new ball and with it wickets," writes Mike Selvey, our man at the ground.

Finn changes ends to replace the excellent Anderson, and it's another quiet over. The required rate is almost up to a run a ball, although New Zealand won't worry about that for now.

This isn't far from Test cricket in coloured clothing, with lots of leaves and defensive strokes. Two from Broad's over.

"If this is your Sunday morning, did you have a Saturday night?" says Danielle Tolson. "I ask this from NZ, where it is now officially wine o'clock in the sun on Sunday evening. Also, can you remind me of the rationale to do away with runners for injured players?"

My Saturday evening involves two hours' sleep and another two hours failing to get back to sleep. As for the runners, it does seem unfair. The rationale is that the system was being abused; contrary to what Ian Healy said to Arjuna Ranatunga, you basically were allowed a runner for being fat. There must be a better balance than this, though.

Apparently Guptill will bat later if required. That may well be the case; this has the feel of a close contest. Another excellent over from Anderson goes for a couple. His figures are 5-1-9-1.

Stuart Broad comes into the attack in place of Finn. Williamson, beaten for pace, top-edges a pull over the keeper's head for a one-bounce four. A number of batsmen have been done for pace by the short ball today.

"I have much sympathy for your night-owl predicament," says Andrew Benton. "But spare a thought for those of us in China who are working this weekend because, in order to get seven days off work in a row for Spring Festival, thisweekend got moved to Thursday and Friday. It's not so bad when the worked weekend is before the holiday, but its horrible when it's after. Not that anyone's actually thaaaat busy.....it is Sunday, after all."

Ross Taylor was in poor nick during the T20 series, but he's such a dangerous player and this format will allow him a bit of time to build an innings. Four from Anderson's over.

"Did your doorbell-botherer disappear?" asks Nick Wiltsher. Yep, only rang once. I win. Again.

Williamson forces Finn off the back foot for four, a really good stroke. It was his back-foot drive earlier in the innings, not Guptill's, and it's a shot he plays with some style. He drives four more off the last ball of the over, down the ground this time. Shot!

Guptill concedes defeat at the end of the over, retiring hurt with what looks like a hamstring injury. Ross Taylor is the new batsman.

Guptill is going to continue, which is a surprise. Anderson completes another fine over; he has figures of 3-1-3-1.

Guptill takes a quick single off Anderson and pulls something, probably a hamstring. That's a big problem, with no runners allowed these days. The physio is coming on.

"In response to James Walsh (2nd over), I work with an Indian guy here in Jakarta," says John Leavey. "Over a beer the other night he asked 'Do you guys still play cricket?' I put him right, illustrating with recent examples, and he didn't give a flying one about the fate of the Indian team. An Indian not interested in cricket? Weird."

Guptill gets the first boundary with a wonderful back-foot drive off Finn, who then bowls a leg-side wide. That's all folks.

"I remote-taught a programming course online recently," says Jim Denvir. "I was in New York; the attendees were in Singapore and Tokyo, so I was teaching from 9pm to 4:30am each day. It's probably not unlike doing this OBO; not being able to see your audience and working at completely the wrong time of day. The worst session was the one after 'lunch'. I got my energy back during the afternoon break, to the extent that I couldn't sleep during the day that followed. By the end of the week I was so knackered I actually fell down the stairs, which is really embarrassing given that I was stone cold sober." I don't mind the Test matches, when it's five days in a row. The problem with this is that it's one day on, two off, one on, two off, and repeat until you mislay your final marble.

Anderson is bowling a lovely length, just full of good. It's like a Test match at the moment, with Williamson content to defend a maiden.

A sharp first over from Steven Finn brings just a single for Guptill. This has been a fine start from England.

"Met a couple of New Zealanders earlier at the fancy craft beer place in Islington," writes my colleague James Walsh. "'Looking forward to the ODIs?' I asked. 'To be honest cricket's worse than watching paint dry' came the reply. Have any of your other readers experienced equally underwhelming encounters with Antipodeans recently? I don't even know what to believe any more." You definitely need a new chat-up line.

Actually, that delivery from Anderson didn't take the inside edge – it came right back through the gate as Watling leaned into the drive. A jaffa. Ten years ago he showed thrilling promise in the VB Series in Australia; it took a while, but boy has he fulfilled that promise.

"Cricket andbronchitis have a lot to answer for," writes Jo Beasley. "I've never been awake this early on a Sunday morning, ever. Whilst failing to avoid gender stereotyping, I have to say that as a girl I cry at everything. I have to avoid D.I.Y. S.O.S. entirely if I want my mascara to stay intact."

Jimmy Anderson becomes England's highest wickettaker in international cricket. BJ Watling is his 529th victim, cleaned up by a fine delivery: full and moving back just enough to take the inside edge before ricocheting into middle stump.

INNINGS BREAK

Swann hits the first two balls of the final over for four before holing out to deep midwicket, where Ross Taylor takes a fine low catch. England lost their last eight wickets for 74 but that's still not a bad total, especially if the ball swings under lights as it did in the T20 match. New Zealand are probably slight favourites; they need 259 to win the match. See you in half an hour, if I can stay awake.

McClenaghan is struggling with a side injury and has to leave the field halfway through his final over. That will probably rule him out of the rest of the series, which is a blow for New Zealand as he given England the hurry-up in the last week. He finishes with figures of 9.4-0-56-4, and Kane Williamson bowls the last two balls of the penultimate over.

McClenaghan gets his fourth wicket. Finn, beaten for pace, pulls high in the air to Guptill, running in from deep square leg. England have lost seven wickets for 64.

"Isn't it refreshing," says Tom Briggs, "that for all the modern coaching methods and preparation that England can still manage a good old fashioned collapse?" Nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest, with their "partnerships" and "lower-order batting".

Woakes pulls consecutive balls from Ellis for four but falls to the next delivery, beautifully caught by Brendon McCullum. He had started to move down the leg side and then dived full length in the opposite direction to claim the edge one-handed.

Swann pings an attempted yorker from McClenaghan over mid-off for four.

"Lovely late afternoon here in Auckland," says Alastair. "Drinking a few ales watching cricket. Fantastic."

Broad dies by the sword he used to kill New Zealand in the final T20 international – beaten for pace by a short ball and top-edging a hook straight up in the air. England have lost five for 44 in eight overs.

A very fine shot from Woakes, who drives Ellis handsomely over mid-off for a one-bounce four. Six from the over.

Broad can't pierce the field with a couple of nice drives on the up. England need to sneak up to around 260. "How low on the alcohol totem pole is Justerini & Brooks whisky?" says Alex McGillivray. I have no idea what you are on about but thanks for the email, without which I'd be fast asleep in a pool of my own drool.

Now Root has gone, bowled by Franklin. He ran down the track and aimed a big hack to leg that met only with fresh air. A slightly ugly end to a calm, classy innings of 56 from 63 balls.

Chris Woakes is a useful batsman, although he's not in Samit Patel's class and there's a danger England might lose their way.

Devastating stuff from Buttler, who slams a short ball from McClenaghan miles over long-on for a 92-metre six. There is every chance that, in 10 years' time, we will consider Jos Buttler the greatest death-hitter England have ever had. And of course, the moment I type that he is dismissed, toe-ending a full toss straight to extra cover. It was a useful innings though: 21 from 13 balls with two awesome sixes.

Root shapes to ramp Mills, who aborts his delivery as a result. Seven from Mills' final over, so he ends a fine spell with figures of 10-2-32-2.

"Ali Brown is definitely the best England player of recent years to play ODI and not a Test," says Nicholas Ladner, "but he didn't do too well with the chances he was given: 'If Brown had appeared on a one-wheeled bike, wearing a silly hat and a red nose, and thrown custard pies at the umpires, he would scarcely have struck a more ridiculous figure than he did yesterday.' More mischievously, how about one of Vince Wells, Matthew Fleming or Jamie Dalrymple? Ryan ten Doeschate might be a better shout, or Steve Tikolo (or is that cheating?)"

What's wrong with Jazzer Fleming?! If he had played in the 1999 World Cup England would at least have avoided humiliation. And if that's not the mark of a great player then I don't know what is.

A quick single takes Root to an assured half-century, from 57 balls with four fours. What a thoroughly impressive man. You could take him home to mother. You could say the same about Jos Buttler. After a couple of sighters, he drills Ellis effortlessly over long-off for six. He really is an extraordinary talent.

"Ever since getting engaged, I often watch "Say Yes To The Dress" and cry when someone finds their dress,," says Suzy McAnanama. "It's extremely embarrassing because most of my friends can't remember the last time they saw me in a dress, forget about crying about one that some random person on TV picks out."

The new batsman is Jos Buttler, who should get a decent run in the side now. He is England's 27th ODI wicketkeeper. The prize for anyone who can name all 27 is a restraining order. He gets off the mark from his fourth ball with a couple to third man.

Gah! Eoin Morgan has gone cheaply, cutting Mills to backward point, where Martin Guptill took an excellent low catch to his left. That's a huge breakthrough for New Zealand, who are now only one wicket away from England's lower order.

Root waits for a slower bouncer from Ellis and hammers it behind square leg for four. Six from the over. England will probably want eight an over from the last 10.

"It's not the question you asked but Mark Butcher is surely the best modern-era English Test player never to play one day international cricket," says Will Symonds. "It's hard to think of any one day stars who haven't found their way into a Test side, even Dermot Reeve played a Test or two I think." He did indeed, three in NZ in 1991-92. Have a look at his innings on the first day of this match. There are plenty of great ODI players who haven't played many Tests, with Michael Bevan top of the list, but it's hard to think of great ODI players who haven't played any Tests. Ian Harvey might be the best.

"Re: crying, I believe I cried a little – my eyes became extremely wet, extremely quickly, I'm certain of that much – at some point during Yeovil Town's 5-2 win over Nottingham Forest in a third division semi-final play-off second leg. I am not a Yeovil fan." I remember watching that match with my then housemate, who also was not a Yeovil fan. His coupon was the most perfect, comical study in confused, inebriated despair.

Trott, making room to flat-bat Mills through the off side, drags the ball back onto the stumps. He goes for a decent innings of 68 from 90 balls. That might be a blessing in disguise for England, as it brings Eoin Morgan to the crease.

Root gets down on one knee to ramp McClenaghan over the keeper's head for four, and then flicks four more over short fine leg. England have paced this innings pretty well.

"Feeling your pain (to a slightly lesser extent), stuck in the office on a sunny Sydney Sunday afternoon," says Dan Silburn. "Cricket on the telly and the MBM keeping me sane though! I’ve been very impressed with Root, he was being shuffled up and down the order during the Indian ODIs, often mid-game, and it didn’t seem to faze him. He’s offered fantastic support to Trott today, who’s looked a different player since he came to the crease." Yeah, his temperament looks outstanding. He plays with the assurance of somebody 10 years older.

"I totally fell in love with someone for her tweeting (in Hebrew) 'I'm not crying cause it's that time of the month. I'm crying cause I just saw the last episode of The Thick of It'," says Phil Podolsky. "Hardly anyone knew what she was talking about as it wasn't shown over here; but to me it was the last piece in the puzzle of her fascinating, anonymous Twitter persona, defined by a very feline laziness and jaded irony.Have no idea what she looks like(only that she has a bf), but if her vulnerability is triggered by Malcolm Tucker – wow, just wow."

DRS comes to Joe Root's rescue. He was given out caught behind off a good short ball from Kyle Mills that seemed to take the glove, but he reviewed the decision with the certainty of a man who had not hit it. Replays showed the ball hit the sleeve rather than the glove.

Four singles from McClenaghan's over, the first of the Powerplay. The Powerplays are a complete irrelevance now. These regulations definitely need a tweak, although I'm not entirely sure what that should be.

"How long do you think it'll be before we have England greats who never play Test cricket?" says Michael Jelley. "Might Hales be the first to be a top class opener in T20 (and eventually perhaps ODI), but never be trusted in Tests? Or will class always win out in the end?"

That's a great question. I suppose it could happen with this generation, perhaps Jos Buttler or Hales. Then again, the best short-form player usually get at least a few Tests to see if their talent is transferable – and those opportunities will increase as squad rotation becomes the norm. All of which invites the question: who is the best one-day player never to have played Test cricket?

Six singles from Nathan McCullum's final over. He ends with figures of 10-0-43-0. England must take their batting Powerplay now.

"Apart from the usual England penalty shoot out defeats, the last time I cried was when Flintoff ran out Ponting in 2009," says Andy Dennett. "Not sure that counts tho, as they were tears of laughter!"

Mitchell McClenaghan comes back into the attack, starting around the wicket to the right-handers. Trott makes room to flat-bat a couple through the covers, a shot that has served him well today. What a fascinating player he is. He batted like a village duffer for an hour and a half yet he may well end up with a century. His last 28 runs have come from 18 balls.

"Nothing like waking up at 2.36 on a Sunday morning to find Bell out on the charge for 64, headphones and an empty can lying on the floor," says Simon McMahon. "The saddest song in movie history? It's a no-brainer. 'When She Loved Me', the song by Sarah MacLachlan about Jessie from Toy Story 2. Absolutely devastating. Does it every time." Oh metrosexuality, so much to answer for.

"Black Caps fan following your MBM at a ski lodge here in California," says Patrick Doherty. "Cheers for the updates!" I would say it's a pleasure, but that would be stretching the truth at 3am on a Sunday morning.

Grant Elliott comes on to bowl some dibbly-dobbly-wobbly. An otherwise decent over is ruined by the last ball, a slower full toss that is pulled for four by Trott. That takes him to the usual half-century, from 74 balls and with four fours. He was laboured for a long time, but his last 23 runs have come off only 14 balls.

There's something very impressive about the way Root makes himself at home the moment he arrives at the crease, regardless of the match situation. He picks up his second boundary with a classy, fast-handed cover drive off Williamson, and has moved busily to 19 rom 22 balls.

Consecutive boundaries for Trott off Franklin, with an on-the-walk cut followed by a flick off the hip. Eleven from the over, an excellent one for England

Kane Williamson comes on to bowl some part-time off spin. Five singles from the over. Anyone still out there?

Trott gets his second boundary, waiting for a slower ball from Franklin before cross-batting it wide of extra cover. Then he flicks off the hip and just wide of Taylor at midwicket. England are just about on course for a par score of around 270.

Trott hit his first ball for four but hasn't found the boundary in 59 balls since. He needs to be careful not to put too much pressure on Root. I certainly don't think he has misjudged the pitch or is batting selfishly; he's just out of nick. But he will have to hit out or get out at some stage.

A good bouncer from Franklin clangs off Trott's helmet for four leg byes. Trott is still struggling to time the ball.

"Re: Rai Skrupskis: there's nothing pathetic about crying over Leicester City – it's the sign of a real man," says Michael Jelley. "The best part of being a Leicester fan is that only we know how good Emile Heskey was – and (fao sceptics) I'm not remotely joking. I have, however, been on the cognac."

English cricket really loves Joe Root right now. He opens the face to slice his first ball, from McCullum, wide of short third man for four.

"Teary confessions," says Ian Truman. "This is an easy one... The Seth and Summer Spiderman scene from the OC. Or an Ian Bell batting highlights compilation."

If you didn't cry at this scene, you're not human.

This is an important wicket for New Zealand. Bell, on the charge again, throws the bat at a wide one from James Franklin and snicks it through to the keeper McCullum. A soft end to an excellent innings: 64 from 79 balls, with six fours and two sixes.

Bell is playing quite beautifully here. He walks down the track to McCullum and chips another confident boundary, this time to long-off. Eight from the over. When he plays like this you wonder why he hasn't been England's ODI Mark Waugh for the last five years.

"Remembering England playing Tests in the nineties can occasions move me to years," says John Doyle. I reckon England's 1990s Test team has an unfair reputation – certainly compared to the 1980s team. Mainly because, as Scyld Berry pointed out, of their respective records against Australia. England gave everybody else a game in the 1990s, certainly at home. I wonder how good they'd have been with central contracts and consistency of selection.

"I wonder whether you think that having the ODIs sandwiched between the T20s and Tests will have an effect on the rhythm of the ODIs (and more importantly, the Tests)," says Olly Bevan. "I agree that having eight ODIs after a two-Test series is absurd, but does the structure used in NZ allow for a ramping up to Test cricket, or does it blur some lines of technique and patience that are otherwise untouched? This seems to be a particular problem for the England side given that the T20s are basically entirely separate, with a different captain and markedly different personnel, whereas the ODIs are much closer to the Test set-up."

Player seem pretty adaptable these days, sometimes even within the same format (see AB de Villiers' amazing pair of innings in the Tests in Australia), so I don't think it will change too much. Building up to the Tests this way does seem to make sense, although I quite like the idea of ODIs, Tests and then T20s as a breezy afterparty. ODIs before Tests is the golden rule, though. ODIs are pants and Tests are socks. (Link contains adult language, blah blah.)

Trott is all over the place. He is beaten outside off stump by McCullum and then top-edges another sweep, this time just over short fine leg.

"Pathetic things to cry about," says Rai Skrupskis. "Leicester City. Since the 1961 FA Cup Final."

Bell, on the walk, pulls Ellis sharply round the corner for four – and then reaches his fifty with an elegant chip over long-on for six. That was a delicious stroke.

"Other than onions, women, death and the 1987 FA Cup final not a lot makes me weep," says Stephen Wolstencroft. "I am ashamed to admit, however, that I cried at the end of Dead Poets' Society. I may also cry tomorrow when I sober up and realise I've confessed to this in writing..."

Trott is batting like a man who hasn't introduced willow to leather in a competitive match since December, and he top-edges a sweep off McCullum dangerously close to the man at short fine leg. He has 18 from 37 balls, Bell 42 from 64.

"I confess, I feel I can as all your readers are drunk or sleep deprived so will remember little, to shedding tears at children's movies," says Phil Withall. "Not even sad ones. My kids mock me for it. Wreck it Ralph was shameful as my eldest called out 'Crying yet, Dad?' in a crowded cinema. I wasn't, honest..." It was just raining on your face?

My doorbell has just rung. Who the hell could it be at this hour? It's either a booty call, which I'd have to reject anyway due to my unyielding professionalism, or somebody drunk looking for a full and frank exchange of views and fists. I'll ignore it. Play has resumed after the drinks break, with Trott edging an on-the-walk slap off Ellis to third man for a single. Bell then drags one in the air but well wide of midwicket.

Trott has been relatively becalmed since hitting his first ball for four, with only nine from 32 deliveries since then. Time for drinks.

"Sorry to look through this series and the next to the Ashes, but Pietersen for Morgan, Prior for Buttler, and Compton for Woakes – is this the side to face the Aussies on 10 July?" says Steven Larcombe. "And will it be Compton?"

You would think that, fitness permitting, there are nine near-certainties in Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Bell, Prior, Broad, Swann, Finn and Anderson. Then it depends whether Root opens or bats No6, provided he doesn't have a shocker in the upcoming Test series. But things change so quickly. If you had picked an England team six months before the 2005 Ashes it wouldn't have had Pietersen in it.

Bell, sent back by Trott, survives a token run-out referral.

"I'm not someone who cries – especially not at films," writes Leo Watkins. "Toy Story 3 had me crying my eyes out, though. But as anyone who has seen it knows, it's a magnificent piece of storytelling, so maybe it's excusable (here's Mark Kermode welling up just talking about it). The ending of Gladiator, on the other hand, I am genuinely ashamed at having wept at."

Bell pulls Ellis for a flat six, just over the leaping McClenaghan at deep backward square. A kid sitting just behind him, in front of the boundary boards, showed New Zealand's fielders how to do it with a beautiful diving catch.

The offspinner Nathan McCullum replaces Kyle Mills, who bowled a fine spell of 6-2-14-0, and he has Bell dropped in his first over. Bell fetched a slog-sweep from well outside off stump, which meant he couldn't control the shot, and it went high in the air towards midwicket. BJ Watling charged in, slid forward and put down a difficult chance.

"That team from 91-92 bats a bit deep doesn't it?" says Guy Hornsby. "And Derek "barrel-chested" Pringle's figures are sensational. 6 overs, 11 runs and 2 wickets. They don't make 'em like that any more. Glorious days. Samit must look at him and think he was born 22 years late."

Trott flicks Ellis behind square for a couple. It's all pretty sedate at the moment. You do wonder whether the recent rule changes might need a tweak.

"So, do we find you cranky as it's a personal best early rise so you are sleep deprived," says Robert Wilson-Fry, "or cranky because you've left Bull et al in Madam Flexible's emporium of the damned?"

I thought I was quite chipper. You want franky, come back at 7am. By then I'll either be murderous or in the throes of a storming nervous breakdown.

"Just watched Scorsese's 'Hugo'," says Mac Millings. "I cried. A lot. Mind you, this is coming from a man who has been known to cry at TV ads. This isn't some sort of 'comic' invention; 30-second films whose sole purpose is to sell me stuff have made me weep. What are the most pathetic things, I wonder, that your ones of readers have ever cried at?"

McClenaghan is replaced by Andrew Ellis, a right-arm seamer who made his international debut a year ago, just before his 30th birthday. Bell, on the walk, misses a hook at a sharp short ball – and then there's a run-out chance for Taylor. Bell pushed the ball towards mid-on and set off for a dodgy single, but Taylor, running round midwicket, couldn't pick up and throw at the stumps in one movement. Had he done so he was close enough to the stumps that he wouldn't probably have hit.

"Good to see the readership as bladdered as I intend to get shortly," says Seamus Devlin. "Tis a touch tricky as I am going out with the male half of some new friends. He's a doctor and asked me 'for a beer'. As I have absolutely no brakes when it comes to the demon drink I suspect my definition of 'a beer' and his are quite different. Hope to read the result later if I am not otherwise detained by the local constabulary."

Mills jags a good one back to hit Trott on the elbow, with the ball ricocheting this far wide of the off stump. Trott is beaten again later in the over, although rather worryingly I've already forgotten what exactly happened. An excellent maiden from Mills, who has figures of 5-2-12-0.

"My god, man," says Stephen Wolstencroft "Do they never let you sleep? In the week that's seen the Pope quit, aliens land in Russia disguised as a meteor crash, and the revelation that we've all been eating donkeys or people or something, you've been chained to the internet drip feeding sport to online loners like me for what seems like 100 hours straight. Have a heart, Guardian, release the man to spend a few last hours with his loved ones/Rothmans & Wisden collection before the world gets even worse."

You jest, but if the world was ending in a few hours' time I'd be straight on Statsguru, searching for one last statgasm. Am I wrong?

The Problem has started confidently. When McClenaghan swings one onto the pads, he flicks it up and over square leg for four. He gets another boundary with a controlled pull behind square. Bell has been in fine form in ODI cricket since he moved up the order last summer; he needs to continue that form with the likes of Kevin Pietersen and Alex Hales around.

Bell wanders jauntily down the track to chip Mills over mid-on for four. When he is playing well he must be so intimidating to bowl to, because he makes shots like that look so easy.

"Morning Rob, morning everybody (all three of you)," says Guy Hornsby. "I feel your pain Mr S. I'm in the worst of most worlds here too. Unlikely the gloriously inebriated Mr Sawyer, I can't even drink at the moment due to lung shenanigans and heavy steroids. I'm juiced up like Lance. Minus the bikes. Still, I've won as many Tours de France as him. Honk. I foresee a Cook ton and ten-run win tonight. I guess I'll know when I wake up."

A Cook ton? Get to a hospital. You're sick as a dog man!

It's been a slow start from England's batsmen, but that's the way of it in 50-over cricket in 2013. And New Zealand have bowled pretty well with the new balls. McClenaghan has a strangled LBW shout against Bell – it was too high – and then Trott digs out a yorker.

"Here's a link to Mitchell McClenaghan's video as CLEO bachelor of the year candidate," purrs Danielle Tolson.

The last time England won an ODI series in New Zealand was in 1991-92, when England had their greatest one-day side.

"Pillow, duvet, sofa, Spitfire ale, cricket," says Les Smith. "Happy man." You're listening to Sparklehorse?

Trott, whose last innings was the century in the final Test in India, times his first ball supremely through midwicket for four.

"My thoughts on staying up til 1am having been up since 7am this morning – is there enough wine left?" says Mark Peachey. "And is it a cunning plan by the England team to have their kit blend into the wickets Predator-style to discombobulate the umpires?"

Alastair Cook has been cleaned up by Mitchell McClenaghan. It was a bit of a strange dismissal: he pushed defensively down the wrong line, even though the ball didn't do much, and was bowled off the pad. I think he was also stuck on the crease when he should have been forward, although we haven't seen a replay yet.

There's no sign of swing, and once England get their eye in these should be good batting conditions. Cook miscuts a short ball from Mills that falls short of Williamson at point, and gets off the mark next ball by leaning into a wide half-volley and timing it for four. Mills has a big shout for LBW turned down later in the over – Mills was very confident, but it looked too high and Brendon McCullum decides not to risk New Zealand's only review.

"The Beard Liberation Front says England's clean shaven ODI team may struggle batting first against New Zealand," says Keith Flett. "Organiser Keith Flett said, they'll miss Priory's beard."

The lively Mitchell McClenaghan starts from the other end. He's a not inconsiderable unit, although I'm pretty sure I could take him. The first runs of the day come from the last delivery of the over, a decisive slap through the covers for four.

"Ian 'The Problem' Bell is going to get a hundred," says Simon McMahon. I like the idea of players having darts-style nicknames, especially rubbish ones, to sex down ODIs. James 'Credit to the Bald Community' Tredwell. Alastair 'Remorseless on the Square Cut But Vulnerable To The Full Inswinger Early In His Innings' Cook.

This is the same pitch that was used for the second T20, when England were trounced in the comedy style. The personnel are different on both sides, with the experienced Kyle Mills opening the bowling to Alastair Cook and Ian Bell. Mills, who has a wonderful ODI record, starts with a maiden to Cook.

"Evening/morning Rob," says Phil Sawyer. "Looking forward to catching at least some of this match. Unfortunately, I am a tad tipsy. That's a tad tipsy in the 'been on the vodka and gingers all night' sense, so my grasp on events is somewhat limited. So just remind me how many goals England need to score, which way round the board the players go, and when they can play their joker and I'll be bang up to speed."

This is disgraceful. Not only do the Guardian puts a cricket novice on the OBO, but now even the readers don't know what's going on!

England are second, New Zealand eighth, but New Zealand had an extremely good 2-1 win in South Africa last month.

Tell me what you think about me. I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings. Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin' lonely. When it's all over please get up and leave.

To what extent should you modify your eating habits during these Antipodean tours? Is it acceptable to eat fish fingers at 8am and Sugar Puffs at midnight? There's a kebab shop right by Camden tube station that is usually open at 10am. The fact they do enough business to justify such opening hours is more than a little terrifying. Imagine filling your coupon that juicy badness for breakfast. Oof.

Alastair Cook says England would have bowled as well, although it doesn't seem a hugely important toss. England bring in five very experienced players who weren't part of the T20 series, and Joe Root is preferred to Jonny Bairstow.

New Zealand Watling, Guptill, Williamson, Taylor, B McCullum (c/wk), Elliott, Ellis, Franklin, N McCullum, Mills, McClenaghan.

England Cook (c), Bell, Trott, Root, Morgan, Buttler (wk), Woakes, Broad, Swann, Anderson, Finn.

"Evening Rob," says Simon McMahon. " So WTF is this? A Spurs fan and part-time cricket novice covering the first ODI? Speak to your boss."

Morning. Evening. New Zealand may be struggling on the field, but whoever does their itineraries is a world-beater. This England tour has been almost perfectly planned: three T20, three ODIs and then three Tests. The most important part, in terms of the success of the scheduling, is the middle bit. Not only are the ODIs before the Tests – as they always should be if the cricket world's sanity and will to live are to be preserved – but there are only three of them.

The whole thing will done in a week, and just about the only thing to moan about is the fact THERE'S NOTHING TO BLOODY MOAN ABOUT. Ah, there is one thing: what the hell are those of us in England going to do with our sleep patterns and energy levels* over the next seven days? That aside, this series is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever. Three-match one-day series used to be the norm; if 50-over cricket is to have a future, it might need to embrace the past.

The first white ball will be bowled at 1am English time.

* Clean almost three years, before one of you wise derrieres suggests a steady energy drink diet.